Why Do I Have Sex???

By Marc Colbourne

If you are like me, you have probably found yourself at one point or another asking yourself this very question. Perhaps it is as your breathing is slowing to normal  following the intensity of a climax, the next morning in the shower, or maybe even during a dry spell when you are trying to convince yourself it isn’t that important anyway.

The answers you give yourself as the warm water washes down your back are likely varied and dependent on the day.  “It is a way to express my love.” “It is a stress reducer.” “Because my partner wants to and I want to please her/him.” “It is fun.” “I’m horny and just want to get off.”

None of these answers are necessarily a problem or cause for concern. In fact, many of them are perfectly valid reasons for having sex.

Sex is a natural expression of our selves and whether we are having it with a partner, several people, or just ourselves, it can be a healthy aspect of our life; one that can lead to greater self-love.

The answer to this question only becomes a concern when the honesty and vulnerability of it causes us distress. If we feel we aren’t in control of the reasons we have sex, the type of sex we engage in, or with whom, it can be problematic. In this case, we may want to examine the reasons behind our sexual behaviour more closely and ask ourselves some additional questions:

  • Is the sex I am having negatively impacting my sense of self or how I feel about my body?
  • Is my behaviour impacting my relationships with others? How about my relationship with myself?
  • Am I putting myself at risk (either physically, emotionally, or spiritually)?
  • Do I feel I am in control of my sexual behaviour?
  • Do I spend an excessive amount of time searching for sex? Is it an obsession?

If the answer to either of these questions concerns you, you may want to find someone to talk to about your feelings. This may be a partner, trusted friend, or counsellor.  Being comfortable and confident in the reasons we have sex is a huge part of a satisfying – and enjoyable – sex life.

About Marc Colbourne 

Marc Colbourne, MSW, RSW, is a sex-positive therapist practicing in Edmonton. He can be reached at mcolbourneRSW@gmail.com


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